Faerie Tale Soup
by AdaminaPanthress
Summary: A collection of totally screwed up faerie tales and other short stories. Screwed up in a fun way though, please read!
1. Snow WHite and the Seven Dwarves 1

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.  
  
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Faerie Tale Soup  
Story 1  
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves  
  
Chapter 1  
  
There once was a beautiful Princess who lived in a castle near the woods with her Father and Evil Stepmother, the Queen. While her father was away at a golfing tournament, the Queen sent the princess off into the woods after her numerous chores. The Queen hired a hit man to follow Snow White and kill her once she got a ways away from the castle because she was jealous of her immense beauty.  
  
Snow White came to the river Lethe and bended for a drink. The hit man took a large chainsaw from its sheath in his belt, but as he turned it on realized it needed gas and so stopped to pour in some. Because of this, Snow White realized that he was there, and just in time. The hit man revved the motor on the chainsaw and came charging after her. Snow White quickly dodged, but the man didn't easily give up and so chased her so long that she became quite tired.  
  
Since Snow White was tired, she figured she should take that drink that she never got and ran toward the river. The hit man beat her there and blocked her way, and Snow White lost all hope. Suddenly, the hit man was overcome with the urge to drink the water and bent to do so. Upon tasting the water he sank into obliviousness to his former life. Snow White realized that it was the river Lethe and resisted the urge to quench her undying thirst.  
  
Little Miss Whitey crossed the river and ended up in a clearing, which consisted of a small cottage. She sat on the stoop to consider entering after knocking with no answer. Many animals came to her, and their love gave her courage to enter the deserted house.  
  
The first thing she saw was a room full of cobwebs, dust, and dirt. She looked around the room, taking in her surroundings. All Snow White really saw was a pretty long table, seven cute little chairs, a fireplace, an obviously seldom-used washtub, and a staircase.  
  
"What a complete mess!" she exclaimed and walked carefully over to the steps to get a better look at the upstairs.  
  
"Man, who the hell lives here? The upstairs is totally trashed!" She found there seven little beds, all of which had a name carved at the foot.  
  
"Hmmmm, these must be their names...lets see, there's Doc, Dopey, Sleazy, Bumpy, Creepy, Sappy, and Bashful. Pretty crazy names if you ask me"  
  
Yawning, she glanced at the tiny beds, pushed three together, and lay down beneath the covers.  
  
"Maybe I should clean this up for the little dwarves that live here." She muttered under her breath as she drifted off to sleep.  
  
"Naaaaah, maybe I'll help them organize chore lists later, just as long as they leave me out of..." Snow White trailed off as her eyes closed, dreaming of seven little men working in the mines.  
  
As Snow White slept peacefully in the cottage, the seven little men who owned it packed up their mining materials and headed home. Upon arriving at the cabin, they didn't notice anything was wrong at first. Everything was still messy, the lights were still off, and the door was still closed. When they entered the house, however, they noticed a new set of footprints on the dusty floor. Sappy began to cry, wailing that,  
  
"Someone has been here and stole everything, there's no hope left!"  
  
Meanwhile, Creepy grinned evilly and wondered if this would finally give him the opportunity to murder a human. Doc eventually took charge and shouted above the noise.  
  
"Quiet! Now, the owner of the footprints has either taken refuge in our room or jumped out the window. Someone has to go check, lets vote who that's going to be. I'd say Dopey should go."  
  
"Hey, come on, you guys always make me go!" Dopey said defiantly as he pulled out another smoke.  
  
"Why not Creepy?"  
  
"Creepy would probably kill whatever's up there, and I don't think we want to do that just yet." Bumpy replied as he crashed into the cupboard in attempt to get out his mug. "I'll go."  
  
"No, you'll make too much noise!" Sleazy muttered under his breath.  
  
"Hey, I will not. I'm just a little clumsy, that doesn't mean I'm a walking nightmare!"  
  
"No, that title goes to Creepy- Now there's a character you'll find in a nightmare!"  
  
"You...."  
  
Creepy's fists clenched as he went flying at Sleazy.  
  
"You're the stupid little man whore! You're the one who can't keep his hands to himself!"  
  
The dwarves made so much noise fighting about who should go examine their visitor that Snow White awoke from her sleep, extremely crabby and angry that her slumber had been so rudely interrupted. She stormed down the stairs, yelling,  
  
"Is all this really necessary?! You just HAD to wake me up with your little fight! Man, you guys are so immature! ARRRGH!"  
  
The dwarves just sat on the floor mid-fight, wide-eyed and in awe of the beautiful princess who turned out to be the mysterious visitor. Finally, Bumpy spoke up.  
  
"Hey, don't you clean a lot at the castle?"  
  
Snow White glared at him.  
  
"Yeah, why?"  
  
"Well, don't you think you could've treated this like the castle and cleaned up a bit?"  
  
"ARRRRRGH!" Snow White exclaimed as she flew at Bumpy.  
  
"EEK!" Bumpy tried to run away but was quickly squished by the princess.  
  
She held him in a headlock.  
  
"Anyone else want to question my authority?" Snow White glared at each dwarf in turn.  
  
"Well, actually... I'm the boss around here." Doc timidly said.  
  
"What did you just say?"  
  
"Ummm, never mind, nothing." Doc shrank down in fear as Snow White paced the room.  
  
"I thought so. Now, there's going to be some changes made around here. First of all, whoever's nicest and most obedient to me will get the easiest chores. You will all be expected to do your part, whatever it may be that I assign to you. Clear?"  
  
All seven dwarves nodded their heads slowly  
  
"Oh, and another thing. No fighting." Grumbles could be heard but no one spoke against her.  
  
To be continued. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  
  
Please Review! Let me know if you like it or not, but be nice, this is my first fanfiction! I read through it many times, I know it's annoying to read something with a lot of errors, but I've always had problems with commas, sorry. Thanks for reading! 


	2. The Plan

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters  
  
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Faerie Tale Soup  
  
Story 1  
  
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves  
Chapter 2  
  
Snow White showed the dwarves how to create assembly lines to finish chores more quickly. She was showing them how to clean dishes efficiently when another fight broke out.  
  
"Alright, how about... Bashful, you can wash. Sleazy, you dry. Sappy can put away."  
  
"Why the hell do I always get stuck with the emotional ones?!" Sleazy complained.  
  
"Hey, they're probably wondering why they're getting stuck with the whore." Creepy said just loud enough for Sleazy to hear.  
  
"STOP CALLING ME A WHORE YOU STUPID FREAK!" Sleazy yelled as he swung a punch at Creepy.  
  
"Sleazy, don't yell. You're making us all deaf." Snow White said calmly as she stepped in the way of the punch but taking it as if it were nothing.  
  
"Now get to work."  
  
Bashful looked up at Snow White with wide eyes of fear.  
  
"B-b-b-but... I'm not really...not really..."  
  
"Yeah, spit it out already..."  
  
"I-I-I can't work with others very well, can't I do it alone?"  
  
"No. You'll have to learn sometime. Now go!"  
  
Bashful hung his head and walked slowly to the washbasin where Sappy and Sleazy were waiting.  
  
"Hurry up! I don't want to wash dishes all night!" Sleazy yelled at Bashful.  
  
Bashful ran the few steps that were left to the sink. Halfway through the dishes Sappy began to cry.  
  
"Gosh, what now?" Sleazy said in his usual snobby voice.  
  
"It's just so... so notable, we're all working together to create a clean living space. We've never done anything but co-exist!"  
  
Sleazy rolled his eyes and continueed to dry the dishes. Meanwhile, Snow White was showing Doc and Creepy how to sweep up the pile of dirt they collected from the floor into the dustpan. Dopey and Bumpy were arranging the pillows on the living room, something that they couldn't screw up or break.  
  
After all the chores were done, everyone sat down at the table and looked expectantly at Snow White.  
  
"What? Why is everyone looking at me?" Snow White snapped at the dwarves.  
  
"Well," Doc started, "we were kind of expecting you to make us dinner, we're starving!"  
  
"Doc! Have I taught you nothing today? Say that again, only ask me instead of informing me."  
  
"Okay...could you make us some dinner?"  
  
"Why yes, I could."  
  
Doc smiled and waited. Snow White just sat there. Finally, Doc realized his mistake. Rolling his eyes, he tried again.  
  
"May you make us some dinner?"  
  
"Please..."  
  
"May you please fix us some dinner your highness, when you find time?"  
  
"Now that's more like it." Snow White replied happily. "No."  
  
"What?!" the dwarves exclaimed, exasperated.  
  
"Well, I can teach you to cook, but I'm not your personal chef."  
  
"Personal chef? You wouldn't be my personal chef, you'd merely be making meals for the ones you force to slave away all day..."  
  
"Now that's enough! No supper for you! Are you so ungrateful to me for all the help I've given you? Go upstairs!"  
  
"No, I won't. It's only been a day and I'm already sick of you, so how can I stand for even a week? You're a guest in our house, and you've overstayed your welcome! Get out!"  
  
Snow White laughed for a long time, and the echoes could be heard when she began to speak.  
  
"I'm not leaving. I was afraid that you'd get angry with me, you are a bossy one, yes... but I thought you'd last longer. You really can't begin to try to kick me out unless everyone agrees though.  
  
Silence overcame Doc as he looked at each of his brothers in turn. Finally, he asked if anyone actually wants Snow White to stay. No one says anything, but Bashful steps forward.  
  
"I-I don't mind her here."  
  
The rest of the dwarves gasped.  
  
"Well- well I kind of like her. It's not so bad... we could use some pointers on how to cook and clean!"  
  
Doc motioned for Snow White to step away as they make their decision. Once the brothers are all in the circle, Doc spoke. "Now. Bashful actually does have a point. Maybe we should let her stay."  
  
Bashful blushed, but some dwarves opened their mouths in protest.  
  
"Wait-hear me out. I think we should be really nice to each other and to her and pretend as if everything is fine. Then, after she teaches us how to take care of ourselves we'll kick her out."  
  
Snow White tapped her foot impatiently all through Doc's speech. When no one appeared to have an answer for her, she resorted to threats.  
  
"You guys better not kick me out, I am royalty, even if my family doesn't want me anymore some people will still respond to my orders, there'll be a riot outside your house in no time. We'll burn it down!"  
  
Doc seemed a little surprised at her remark, and looked a little doubtful as to whether the plan would actually work. He looked at the others in question.  
  
"Now what? My plan was good, save for the bit about kicking her out... any other ideas?"  
  
One of the dwarves cracked their knuckles and spoke. After the decision was made, they once again formed a line and told Snow White that they were all very sorry, and they'd like her to stay.  
  
When everyone's stomachs were full and the dishes clean, they all sat around the fireplace exchanging stories. Finally, Snow White announced that it was time for bed and the dwarves trudged upstairs. Snow White realized something.  
  
"Where am I going to sleep?"  
  
All the dwarves looked surprised. None of them had even thought of that before. Snow White was quick to find a rather unpopular decision.  
  
"You all are going to make me a bed. Tonight."  
  
The brothers stared at her in disbelief. They had to get their sleep! They had started to like her a little, but now she was back in the form of a demon dictator.  
  
"I need by beauty sleep!" Sleazy cried.  
  
"Yeah, you do..." Creepy grumbled.  
  
"I'm warning you two..." Snow White started.  
  
"Both of you stop." Doc said to his brothers, looking at them both, then staring hard at Creepy. "Things will work out okay."  
  
Creepy grinned and nodded in response, and the dwarves trooped outside to find some good trees.  
  
To be continued.  
  
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I know it's not the best, and I'm thinking of trashing the whole story and future stories, but I really don't know what else to write about. I've read quite a few books on the list, but in order to really be able to write I'd need to buy the book and I don't want to spend my money unless I'm sure of what I want to write. I really enjoy Stephen King, but if anyone has any ideas I'd like to hear them! Thanks for reading. 


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